I tried. I really did. And now it may be time for a little break. You know the oft spoken line, “It’s not you, it’s me” and how we never believe it? Suuuurrre it’s not me. Well, this time, I’m serious: It really is me, not them (sort of). I got bored of online dating. It seemed like a lot of work to reach for something I’m not sure I completely want right now. Maybe when I’m thirty and still sleeping in my queen size bed alone will I decide that scourging the internet is the best way to find a man (maybe at 35?), but right now, a short month before my 22nd birthday, I love being single. I’m not sure if it’s the potential for nice weather, the drive I’m feeling in my career or the fact that I have all these weird quirks that I don’t feel like sharing with another person, but I’ve never been happier than I am right now at this moment. I’m on top of the moon, and I think it has to do with the fact that I’ve never felt so in control of my own life before. Why would I want to share the power just when I’ve found it?
Searching in this interesting online pool, I did discover a lot of things about myself. I learned I can decipher the difference between ideals and reality. I went on a few dates with a nice guy who made it very clear early on that he was not looking for anything serious. I won’t lie; a little part of me was nervous that I would become attached with Mr. unavailable – after all, in the movies it always works out. Carrie landed Mr. Big, didn’t she? But guess what, it never happened – I never got hooked. Me, Miss hopeless romantic, Miss has watched The Notebook so many times she can quote it, Miss Sex and the City episodes tell the story of her life, Miss wanted to be married since she was six and put a pillow case on the back of her head, did not start pining for the number one type of man you should never pine for. We had our fun, we moved on – it was perfect. And I learned that I enjoyed just having fun. I had my life, he had his, and I didn’t ever want to cross the two – who knew Kate could be this easy going? Not me, that’s for sure.
I also learned a little more about what I want out of life, and for now, a serious relationship does not make the cut. I have termed my relationship status as "chronically single" for many years now. I’m that girl, the single friend. Always have been, and hopefully always won’t be. But I made it sound like a disease – “chronically.” Now, I consider myself happily single...and even better, choosing to be single. I found myself working hard to schedule people into my life I wasn’t sure I even liked, and I began to really miss my free and focused single life. I enjoyed coming home to my home, just for me (and my roommate, of course). I love that I have my own space, my own life, my own time to do whatever I please. I’m sure with the right person, all of this will go out the window – I’ll want to see him constantly, talk with him daily and be together as much as possible, which brings me to the most important thing I’ve learned…
I do not have to waste my time forcing a square peg inside a round hole. If it doesn’t fit, it’s not going to. End of story. The right guy will be the right guy, and up until now, I’ve been focusing my energy on the wrong guys. I’m too selfish at this point in my life to waste my time waiting around for some boy to call, or text, or tweet (whatever it is we do nowadays). I don’t play games – I never had the time for them. I believe it doesn’t take that much time to feel the chemistry necessary to build a relationship, so I will stop trying to force it. Online dating has helped me see that I know what I want, I know what I don’t want and I know what I’m willing to put up with – and right now, that’s not a lot. Jobs, apartments, friendships and baby cousins celebrating their first birthdays mean more to me than something that just wasn’t fun anymore.
Of course, I won’t quit completely. I’m sure I’ll leave my profile up and even take a peek from time to time. The act of dating should be fun. It should not feel like my other job. So I think I’m going to try the old fashioned way for a bit. I’m going to enjoy my family, friends and life; I’m going to go to the museums and read in the park and see the Broadway shows I’ve been dying to see, and if Mr. Right happens to be in the Starbucks at the same time I am, well then what a fun spring surprise. If not, I have plenty to keep me occupied. This is New York after all – that’s a pretty reciprocal relationship in itself.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Monday, March 21, 2011
L and K Take New York
I have been MIA yet again – sometimes a little internet detox is a good thing. And I have been so busy! This past weekend, my former roommate L came to visit me. We had such a blast and enjoyed New York the way I love to – the non-tourist way…Well, sort of. L flew in on Thursday (St. Patrick’s Day) and met me at my building. I took a half day on Thursday and off on Friday and we never stopped moving till I sat down at my desk this morning.
Thursday, the holiday heard round the world from all of the drunken people on the planet, was spent “pub crawling.” We hopped more than crawled, but went to a few places in midtown I had never visited before. The Pig and Whistle, The Mean Fiddler, and the Blarney Stone (are the names Irish enough?) were all very good to us…well except for the bartender who kept charging L eight bucks for glasses of coke with a splash of rum in them. L tried to joke with the bartender on her second trip to the bar and said, “Can you put rum in it this time?” The look on the guy’s face made the beer in my stomach churn. I promptly looked the other way pretending not to know the girl asking the lethal question.
Friday was the most beautiful day of the year so far. The temperature was a high of 73 and the sun was bright and shining. It was Heaven! L and I made our way over to The Metropolitan Museum of Art where we walked around for several hours looking at medieval and Italian paintings and sculptures. L did ask me to take pictures of her posing as some of the statues…Like I said, it was almost a tourist-free weekend. Friday night, L and I met my parents in midtown (it was so beautiful out that we decided to slowly walk from The Met to my dad’s office on 41st - 40+ blocks…and L thought she wouldn’t exercise on vacation) We all went down to Little Italy where we had the most fantastic meal sitting at a window that was opened wide and looked out onto Hester St – it was as if summer had come early. We ended the night at South Street Seaport sipping cocktails overlooking the East River and chatting about life – it’s nice that we’ve finally hit an age where we enjoy spending time with the parents.
We began Saturday by going to the Seinfeld Restaurant a few blocks from my apartment. They didn’t film there, but it is still cool to take photos outside and eat at a place that has been made famous by TV – and they make an awesome omelet. Saturday night was dedicated to the East Village. We discovered a few bars and decided to party it up NYU style. We wanted to go somewhere with a young college feel since that is where our friendship roots lie. After gin and tonics, rum and cokes, pizza with beer, and L dangerously sprinting across Broadway at 2am to hit up the McDonalds, we made it back home.
On Sunday, I woke up early and completed my first outdoor run of spring. Afterwards, L and I prepared to go see her first Broadway show – aptly titled “Chicago.” We had brunch (Sunday brunch is my favorite thing in the whole world) and then walked around the Theatre District stopping to take pictures with Daniel Radcliffe’s marquee for “How to Succeed in Business without Really Trying.” I’m pretty sure L enjoyed her first Broadway experience – I know I did! We went back to my apartment, ordered pizza, watched our school dominate George Mason and did some much needed relaxing. She left this morning and things are much quieter, but lonelier. I will miss my roommate very much and I was so happy I got to take New York with her. I hope my other three roommates come to visit soon because this weekend was so much fun – a repeat is necessary in the very near future!
Thursday, the holiday heard round the world from all of the drunken people on the planet, was spent “pub crawling.” We hopped more than crawled, but went to a few places in midtown I had never visited before. The Pig and Whistle, The Mean Fiddler, and the Blarney Stone (are the names Irish enough?) were all very good to us…well except for the bartender who kept charging L eight bucks for glasses of coke with a splash of rum in them. L tried to joke with the bartender on her second trip to the bar and said, “Can you put rum in it this time?” The look on the guy’s face made the beer in my stomach churn. I promptly looked the other way pretending not to know the girl asking the lethal question.
Friday was the most beautiful day of the year so far. The temperature was a high of 73 and the sun was bright and shining. It was Heaven! L and I made our way over to The Metropolitan Museum of Art where we walked around for several hours looking at medieval and Italian paintings and sculptures. L did ask me to take pictures of her posing as some of the statues…Like I said, it was almost a tourist-free weekend. Friday night, L and I met my parents in midtown (it was so beautiful out that we decided to slowly walk from The Met to my dad’s office on 41st - 40+ blocks…and L thought she wouldn’t exercise on vacation) We all went down to Little Italy where we had the most fantastic meal sitting at a window that was opened wide and looked out onto Hester St – it was as if summer had come early. We ended the night at South Street Seaport sipping cocktails overlooking the East River and chatting about life – it’s nice that we’ve finally hit an age where we enjoy spending time with the parents.
We began Saturday by going to the Seinfeld Restaurant a few blocks from my apartment. They didn’t film there, but it is still cool to take photos outside and eat at a place that has been made famous by TV – and they make an awesome omelet. Saturday night was dedicated to the East Village. We discovered a few bars and decided to party it up NYU style. We wanted to go somewhere with a young college feel since that is where our friendship roots lie. After gin and tonics, rum and cokes, pizza with beer, and L dangerously sprinting across Broadway at 2am to hit up the McDonalds, we made it back home.
On Sunday, I woke up early and completed my first outdoor run of spring. Afterwards, L and I prepared to go see her first Broadway show – aptly titled “Chicago.” We had brunch (Sunday brunch is my favorite thing in the whole world) and then walked around the Theatre District stopping to take pictures with Daniel Radcliffe’s marquee for “How to Succeed in Business without Really Trying.” I’m pretty sure L enjoyed her first Broadway experience – I know I did! We went back to my apartment, ordered pizza, watched our school dominate George Mason and did some much needed relaxing. She left this morning and things are much quieter, but lonelier. I will miss my roommate very much and I was so happy I got to take New York with her. I hope my other three roommates come to visit soon because this weekend was so much fun – a repeat is necessary in the very near future!
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Plan…Who Needs A Plan?
I will not plan. I will not plan. I will not plan. Help! Whatever you would like to call it (date, get together, snuggle session) number 3 is happening tonight with okcupid guy #1 and there is no plan in sight. He’s been very busy; I’ve been very busy; and so tonight is an “I’ll text you when I’m heading uptown” date…or whatever you would like to call it. I don’t do well in these situations. I need to plan EVERYTHING. What time will we go out? Where are we going? What will we do? It’s a good thing I’m an event intern, but this is exactly the type of obsessive behavior I have vowed to give up for Lent. It may have seemed trivial at the time, but when I see how my obsessive instincts start taking over my brain, I know that they are something I have to give up in order to better function in this unpredictable world.
I wish I could be the “go with the flow” girl. I’ve never been that girl. Ever. I pretend to be that girl from time to time. I say things like, “Oh sure, we’ll just wing it” as my chest begins to tighten. Some may find my idiosyncrasies endearing, but I’m sure most people just get annoyed. Who wants to receive a text that says…
“We could go see the movie at 9:45 or we could get coffee at 10:30 or we can just forget about tonight and grab appetizers a night next week. Does Wednesday work? Or we could just do drinks. Whatever.”
And that wasn't even an "I like you so I'm nervous" text. That's just me needing a plan. I’m surprised he still wants to see me after that. I may even judge him a little. Most guys say that they love the t-shirt and jeans girl who faces life as one big adventure. We all know that girl. I call her the Blake Lively type: The blonde, tan girl who likes to surf. I find that people who surf are easy-going individuals. I don’t know how to surf, and while the beach is lovely on a hot summer day, I prefer to live in the city. I’m the quintessential neurotic girl – A mental mix between Carrie Bradshaw and Monica Gellar sans the size 2 waists. I do a good job of hiding it at first, but if you’re going to hang around with me for a prolonged period of time, you will discover my secret.
So tonight, I will try my hardest to be Blake. I will workout, shower, get ready and go about my night not caring if he ends up texting me or not (even though I’ll be all ready to go somewhere at 10:30 p.m.….my usual bedtime on a work night.) Once he calls (assuming he does), I’ll go out into the night with no plan in mind. I’ll just be happy to have nice company and New York…even though it may rain. I’ll plan to bring an umbrella. I can at least plan that, right? This is going to be the longest 40 days of my life.
I wish I could be the “go with the flow” girl. I’ve never been that girl. Ever. I pretend to be that girl from time to time. I say things like, “Oh sure, we’ll just wing it” as my chest begins to tighten. Some may find my idiosyncrasies endearing, but I’m sure most people just get annoyed. Who wants to receive a text that says…
“We could go see the movie at 9:45 or we could get coffee at 10:30 or we can just forget about tonight and grab appetizers a night next week. Does Wednesday work? Or we could just do drinks. Whatever.”
And that wasn't even an "I like you so I'm nervous" text. That's just me needing a plan. I’m surprised he still wants to see me after that. I may even judge him a little. Most guys say that they love the t-shirt and jeans girl who faces life as one big adventure. We all know that girl. I call her the Blake Lively type: The blonde, tan girl who likes to surf. I find that people who surf are easy-going individuals. I don’t know how to surf, and while the beach is lovely on a hot summer day, I prefer to live in the city. I’m the quintessential neurotic girl – A mental mix between Carrie Bradshaw and Monica Gellar sans the size 2 waists. I do a good job of hiding it at first, but if you’re going to hang around with me for a prolonged period of time, you will discover my secret.
So tonight, I will try my hardest to be Blake. I will workout, shower, get ready and go about my night not caring if he ends up texting me or not (even though I’ll be all ready to go somewhere at 10:30 p.m.….my usual bedtime on a work night.) Once he calls (assuming he does), I’ll go out into the night with no plan in mind. I’ll just be happy to have nice company and New York…even though it may rain. I’ll plan to bring an umbrella. I can at least plan that, right? This is going to be the longest 40 days of my life.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Religion: The Good, The Bad and The Ugly.
I will be the first to admit I am not the most ardent Catholic. Catholicism and I have had our issues. I like the idea of my religion – the large glamorous cathedral filled with people with similar beliefs saying the same words that have been said for hundreds of years (although now we say them in English, not Latin.) I like the idea of getting married in a large church with an officiating priest. I like the idea of giving my future children a moral foundation, a baptism, and a communion. I like the idea of eating the host every Sunday (although it always tastes like cardboard). Church always made me feel good when I left.
Then there are the things that create a wedge between Catholicism and myself. I don’t like the judgmental and discriminatory attitudes that the Catholic Church possesses. I don’t like how the church treats women and gays as secondary citizens. I don’t like how they do not allow their priests to marry (causing scores of abuse cases across the world.) I don’t like how the Pope decides every moral stance that “good” Catholics must abide by (Fun Facts: Did you know babies born via IVF cannot be baptized? Oh and birth control, while not completely accepted, is now slightly okay because of the AIDS epidemic.)
I am a very spiritual person. I do believe in God, and my God is a very loving, non-judgmental God who is forgiving of all of my bad choices and embraces my flaws. After all, God makes no mistakes, right Gaga? When I see all of the fighting and hatred plaguing this world in the name of God, it saddens me. God is about love, not hate. But it seems like religion has missed the mark. Catholics and Protestants are still killing each other in Ireland, Muslims hate the Jews, and the Westboro Baptist Church hates everyone, including dead soldiers and nine year-old girls. Where is the love, people?
With that said, I still get ashes on Ash Wednesday. Some would call me a “fair-weather” Catholic. You know who those people are – The Catholics that show up to church three times a year: Ash Wednesday, Easter and Christmas Eve/Day. Perhaps that is what I am, but I like the idea of Lent. I make sure I do not eat meat on Fridays (Does anyone else miss “Pizza Fridays” from when we were children?), and I give up something for 40 days in hopes that it will bring me closer to God. Usually I just give up chocolate or ice cream hoping I will also lose ten pounds in the process, but this year, I want to give up more substantial things. My goal is to find a way to merge the things I do appreciate about the religion I’m not sure I want to keep and the things that I believe all religions are lacking, but are necessary to making the world a better place. So during this Lenten season, I want to give up negative, hateful and judgmental thoughts, obsessive behaviors, and worries (unless truly justified). Maybe this can be like a “pay it forward” experiment. I will become more carefree and loving and those I encounter will go on and be the same. This is New York, so it may be a challenge (we thrive on cynicism), but at the end of my 40 days (and why stop there?), perhaps I’ll feel a deeper connection with God, my family, my friends and the world.
Then there are the things that create a wedge between Catholicism and myself. I don’t like the judgmental and discriminatory attitudes that the Catholic Church possesses. I don’t like how the church treats women and gays as secondary citizens. I don’t like how they do not allow their priests to marry (causing scores of abuse cases across the world.) I don’t like how the Pope decides every moral stance that “good” Catholics must abide by (Fun Facts: Did you know babies born via IVF cannot be baptized? Oh and birth control, while not completely accepted, is now slightly okay because of the AIDS epidemic.)
I am a very spiritual person. I do believe in God, and my God is a very loving, non-judgmental God who is forgiving of all of my bad choices and embraces my flaws. After all, God makes no mistakes, right Gaga? When I see all of the fighting and hatred plaguing this world in the name of God, it saddens me. God is about love, not hate. But it seems like religion has missed the mark. Catholics and Protestants are still killing each other in Ireland, Muslims hate the Jews, and the Westboro Baptist Church hates everyone, including dead soldiers and nine year-old girls. Where is the love, people?
With that said, I still get ashes on Ash Wednesday. Some would call me a “fair-weather” Catholic. You know who those people are – The Catholics that show up to church three times a year: Ash Wednesday, Easter and Christmas Eve/Day. Perhaps that is what I am, but I like the idea of Lent. I make sure I do not eat meat on Fridays (Does anyone else miss “Pizza Fridays” from when we were children?), and I give up something for 40 days in hopes that it will bring me closer to God. Usually I just give up chocolate or ice cream hoping I will also lose ten pounds in the process, but this year, I want to give up more substantial things. My goal is to find a way to merge the things I do appreciate about the religion I’m not sure I want to keep and the things that I believe all religions are lacking, but are necessary to making the world a better place. So during this Lenten season, I want to give up negative, hateful and judgmental thoughts, obsessive behaviors, and worries (unless truly justified). Maybe this can be like a “pay it forward” experiment. I will become more carefree and loving and those I encounter will go on and be the same. This is New York, so it may be a challenge (we thrive on cynicism), but at the end of my 40 days (and why stop there?), perhaps I’ll feel a deeper connection with God, my family, my friends and the world.
Monday, March 7, 2011
How Much Info Is Too Much Info…
The dating world is full of questions. There are the favorites: "Does he like me?" and “Is this going anywhere?” There are the scary ones for later in the relationship: "Does he want to marry me?" and "When will I meet his mother?" Then there are the questions we ask ourselves very early on: “Who is this person?” “Will he kidnap me after dinner?” These are all important questions that need to be answered, but in this technological age we live in, when do the questions and the search for the answers need to end?
We are able to discover the origins and complete biographies of any person with the click of a mouse. Cyber stalking is nothing new, and most people do it – some with romantic prospects, some with job prospects. We expect to find a person with a credible past attached to a link when we hit the enter key – oh and a picture would be nice as well. The second I search for a person with no trace, new questions run through my mind: Is he a serial killer? Is he a foreign spy? Is he 16? Am I a rational 21st century female doing my homework in order to protect my heart and my bank accounts, or have we taken the mystery out of dating?
My mom and I were chatting earlier today and she said to me, “The only thing I worry about in this age of technology is that people can hide parts of who they are.” Her point was about online dating and going out with people you have zero connections to, but her overall statement was actually incorrect. I explained that back in her younger years, dating was much more secretive. You had no way of knowing if the guy you met at the bar was escaping parole or wanted for murder. Instead, you just hoped that your gut instinct would send you running the other way if red flags started to appear. We don’t have that problem today. If you Google “Katecferg” – which is my twitter name, blog and online dating screen name, All of those things pop up one right after the other. Even Perez Hilton pops up from when he “tweeted” me back in college. You can learn everything about me in .3 seconds.
Patti Stanger, the Millionaire Matchmaker, “tweeted” (there’s that word again) yesterday, "Don’t go into deep details of your life on the first date." Keep it light and breezy, and later when you’re committed, you can chat about your dark past. I agree with the idea – go slow, but is this realistic for our time? Google is not just a website anymore; it’s a verb as well. Oh hey there, I “Googled” you. Technology has made our generation light years ahead of previous ones in so many ways, but when does it begin to hold us back as well? Is there really a “getting to know you” phase anymore? I read your online profile…and found your college essays online. What else do I need to know? There’s a disconnect somewhere, and perhaps it’s time for us to “disconnect” as well. Step away from the internet, trust our instincts and just go with it. A real life conversation will beat out a profile read through or an e-mail any day. And the getting to know you phase is the most exciting part.
We are able to discover the origins and complete biographies of any person with the click of a mouse. Cyber stalking is nothing new, and most people do it – some with romantic prospects, some with job prospects. We expect to find a person with a credible past attached to a link when we hit the enter key – oh and a picture would be nice as well. The second I search for a person with no trace, new questions run through my mind: Is he a serial killer? Is he a foreign spy? Is he 16? Am I a rational 21st century female doing my homework in order to protect my heart and my bank accounts, or have we taken the mystery out of dating?
My mom and I were chatting earlier today and she said to me, “The only thing I worry about in this age of technology is that people can hide parts of who they are.” Her point was about online dating and going out with people you have zero connections to, but her overall statement was actually incorrect. I explained that back in her younger years, dating was much more secretive. You had no way of knowing if the guy you met at the bar was escaping parole or wanted for murder. Instead, you just hoped that your gut instinct would send you running the other way if red flags started to appear. We don’t have that problem today. If you Google “Katecferg” – which is my twitter name, blog and online dating screen name, All of those things pop up one right after the other. Even Perez Hilton pops up from when he “tweeted” me back in college. You can learn everything about me in .3 seconds.
Patti Stanger, the Millionaire Matchmaker, “tweeted” (there’s that word again) yesterday, "Don’t go into deep details of your life on the first date." Keep it light and breezy, and later when you’re committed, you can chat about your dark past. I agree with the idea – go slow, but is this realistic for our time? Google is not just a website anymore; it’s a verb as well. Oh hey there, I “Googled” you. Technology has made our generation light years ahead of previous ones in so many ways, but when does it begin to hold us back as well? Is there really a “getting to know you” phase anymore? I read your online profile…and found your college essays online. What else do I need to know? There’s a disconnect somewhere, and perhaps it’s time for us to “disconnect” as well. Step away from the internet, trust our instincts and just go with it. A real life conversation will beat out a profile read through or an e-mail any day. And the getting to know you phase is the most exciting part.
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